324 days left

DAY 41

I’m not sure what to say about this day…wonderful or horrible!? Woke up today and rushed over to my kid’s room. I wanted to be the first one to wish my little girl a happy birthday. Six years old already. I made sure to serve her a stack of pancakes with mini chocolate chips sprinkled on top, and a single candle. We sang to her the happy birthday song, and began our day. I wish that our day also ended in a good note.

My highs…my daughter! My daughter turned 6 years old, but still so tiny. She’s usually the tiniest in her class. Ever since I was pregnant with her, I called her my little diva. She’s definitely a little princess, but the most shy of them all. I tried to make her day a memorable one. I baked a mini cake with Kit Kat bars around and topped off with mm’s. She likes Gummi Bears, so I also placed them around her cake. After that, I made a personalized banner for her. She was so excited when she got home. My family came over to celebrate and even more laughter followed.

My lows…my marriage! My husband has anger issues and my family knows this. I once told my friends that the only reason that I would ever give up on my marriage was if I couldn’t see hope for it. Today seems like it was that day. Any time that my family visits and I hang out with them, my husband picks a fight with me. When a fight occurs I feel that I’m always the one trying to make it work. He rarely, and I mean rarely, puts any effort in making our marriage work. He doesn’t leave his comfort zone and rather nourish his hate than our love. I told him that we needed to talk about it, but he already had a “solution.” He’ll be moving out. Simple….that was his solution. I just see it as the easy way out. I guess I’ll be a single parent, but that’s nothing new to me. I’ve always done everything for my kids. My husband is usually only good to provide the financial means. Last night, we went out to eat and he paid for the dinner. He spent most of the time playing with his phone instead of interacting with the kids….until I told him that he couldn’t ignore them. I shouldn’t have to force him to put them as his priority. I could have told him that we could work it out, but I realized that I can’t force him to act as their father. I spoke to my family about his solution and they’ll be backing me up. He wants more than anything is for me to give up my family for him, but I refuse! I can’t refuse my family when they’ve always been there for me when I needed help. On the other hand, my husband is not what you call a reliable man. In times of crisis, he has always failed to deliver and the first one to turn his back on me. During the beginning of our marriage, I used to have him on my emergency contact list when I used to work. Later on, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. I began to put my sister as my contact. I guess I should’ve known since then that our marriage wasn’t worth protecting, but I couldn’t see my kids in pain. Now, I hate seeing my kids ask their grandma why their mommy is crying. I just don’t know what I’ll do if he still wants to work it out. My heart is such a push-over. I just don’t want to be going through this pattern over and over again. It just pisses me off!

TODAY’S LESSONS:

*Children should be your first priority and not your selfishness.

*Anger does not belong in a marriage, but love does.

*I shouldn’t have to compromise myself…I matter!

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