341 days left

DAY 24

My sister’s boyfriend is now living with us. I’m already seeing issues arising from having him around. My son keeps ending up in there room and I keep warning him not to go in there. I’ve noticed how life is easier during the weekdays because our set routines, but it gets chaotic when the weekend comes. Sometimes spontaneity is a good thing but not when are all screaming at each other. Family means love to me but it also means tension…anger…sadness!

My lows…being at home today! Last year on this Monday, Labor Day fell on the 5th of September. I didn’t want to be here today. My dad committed suicide. It was horrible. We had a little trailer in the backyard along with the kid’s swings. My kids had been playing on the swings when they all decided to see my dad, who was in the trailer, and play with him. They opened the door and saw him hanging from the ceiling. Everything happened so fast!! The paramedics tried to keep him alive but it was too late. It hurts so much to remember all that occur that day. I lost my dad, my kids were traumatized, and my marriage was greatly affected. I’ll be honest and tell you that our entire family wasn’t at all surprised. He had been living a downhill life. We had been expecting a phone call letting us know about his demise but never thought it would happen in our own home. I strongly believe things happen for a reason, and taking his own life like this was probably the best. Suicide is never the answer…for the individual and for their families…but in this situation I have to think twice! Our next door neighbors came to speak with my mom and told her about my dad’s plans. He had confided to our neighbor’s husband that he had planned on slashing my sister’s and mom’s throats and then killing himself. See, he had planned this before I had moved in with my kids. Did he change his mind after we moved in? Did we end up living here because we needed to prevent him from going thru with his plans? I don’t know but it gets me thinking. It brings me comfort to know that he didn’t follow up with his plan. He was a violent man and we always feared, when he was alive, what else he would do. I love my dad, but we have a kind of peace now that he’s no longer around. My mind and heart is in constant confusion. I used to be very suicidal growing up but I never thought about how it would affect those around me. My kids went through intensive therapy and I think the adults still need it badly. Suicide is a selfish choice and it causes an incredible amount of damage! I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts come natural for me, but thoughts of my love ones keep from feeding those negative thoughts. My dad had completely given up on himself and all the help and support from his family made no difference. He surrounded himself with destructive people and binged on alcohol and drugs. Our family tried our best to be there for him but in the end…it was his choice…and I know guilt is not part of our memories of him.

My highs…my children are strong and loving little angels. A year ago, they were haunted with horrible memories of my dad’s suicide. Nightmares, tears, and screams were constant in our home for a long time.  Now, they remember only the good memories with their grandpa. When he died, my kids and I were always surrounded and followed by butterflies. It was an amazing experience! We couldn’t explain it! So, I would tell my kids that every time that they would see a butterfly near them that it was their grandpa looking after them. They pray for him every day. We see butterflies walking with us several times a week and my kids smile. I remember that in the beginning laughter was missing from our home. Now when I see them laugh and they remember my dad with good memories it makes me happy. The healing came slowly but it’s not over.



* Set routines for the weekdays and weekends.

* Depression affects everyone around you.

* Suicide is not the answer.

* Good thoughts and love need to overcome the negative aspects of life.

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