I don’t consider myself perfect, but I try really hard to be a good person. I am human, and as a human I fail many times. I fail at everything at least once and sometimes MANY times. I wish that all my effort would be validated. No, I don’t want to toot my own horn. I just want to know that I’m not being taken advantage of.
My highs: I got to vegetate at home…too hot outside to go out. My mom had also decided to teach my younger sister to make Chicken Enchiladas, so I got to have some. OMG, sooo delicious!!! I know that I over ate, but it was so worth it…I’ll try to work it out later, lol. Oh, I’ve been trying to seriously lose weight since March, and I lost another pound…so YAY for me.
My lows for today: allowing someone else to be emotionally abusive towards me. Today, I will be sleeping on the floor of my kid’s room. I’m not allowed to get in my husband’s way whenever he gets upset over something. Yes, he has anger issues, and yes he is in denial. I, on the other hand, have come to terms that I live with someone arrogant and selfish at times. I’m a typical woman that loves her husband, and has decided to remain with him, for now. He isn’t physically abuse, but there have been many times that I am afraid of his behavior. How can I explain myself? I can just imagine anyone reading this and thinking that I’m crazy for staying around. Yes, I have put up with a lot and yes I have tried to make him understand. Like, I said he’s in denial and his reality and the rest of the world’s reality are complete opposites. Whenever, he’s not upset we have a beautiful relationship. We love spending time with each other, and go out on dates about once a week. The problem with his anger is his quick jump to judging me and criticizing me. When he gets angry at whatever problem I’m looked at as the monster ruining his life. His anger brings out so much hate towards me, and brings up questions about his love for me. I know that he loves me, but I’ve known for a VERY long time that it’s not that unconditional love. His love has limitations. For example, if I spend most of my time with him and only talk about us, then he’s happy. If I dare talk about my family, then he wants me to choose him over them. If I hang out with my family, then I get the silent treatment. I used to always apologize for all our arguments, even if I wasn’t at fault, and then we would be ok. Lately, I’ve decided only to apologize to him when it’s my fault. I’ve decided to stand up for myself, and he doesn’t like this one bit. We have 3 kids, and I don’t want my girls seeing me lower my head, and stay quiet until he decides the argument is over. I used to do that all the time. I thought that if I stayed quiet, and walked behind him, and stayed away from him during his fits of anger, then it would make him love me more. Now, that I don’t do that, I think I was right. He seemed happier when he dominated me. He hates me now that I won’t allow myself to be that weak woman. I do love him. I do want to stay with him. I am crossing my fingers that he will decide to think of me and the side-effects that his anger has caused. I used to pretend I had a perfect marriage. I would hide all the arguments, because it was embarrassing and that it would also fuel his anger/hate towards me. I think he thinks that all the good things he does for me and all his obligations towards us would make-up for all the bad things he does…as if it never happened, as if justified. I realize that so many would have given up already, but I still have hope. I don’t believe marriage should end until there’s no more hope. So many people easily get a divorce, and I want to try and figure it out, for my kids’ sake. So far, the women in my family have had no luck staying with someone. I want to pinpoint the bad and good of married life, and prove to my kids that it is possible. We are here on this earth for a reason, and I just have to put the broken puzzle together again, in order to figure it out. It’s so weird, I know. If you could only see inside my head…it’s such a mess. Most of the time, I feel like a single parent and sometimes we are such a close family. It’s such a struggle! I know that stress is a huge factor in his life, but trying to figure how not to end up at his main target is the main question. So confusing, but I’ll keep you guys posted. The main reason I’m being so honest and putting it down for all to see is to find the patterns that trigger those decision-making moments…those life-changing moments!
*Find a way to talk to my husband and make him understand how his anger has consequences.
*Figure out the patterns in our marriage…the good, the bad, and the ugly.
*Enjoy time with my family! …Refuse to give them up!